Why it matters to keep going after getting up

Airplane moving through the night sky. Pictured: Light trails formed by the Airplane. (c)Benjamin Leon 2019

Ahh!  “getting up” that word that only gets assigned true meaning when someone’s going through difficulties in life. Now, let’s be completely honest; how many of you have seen, read or heard a loud, rotund “all you have to do is get up!”  Do you feel like that motivates you to do it, or is it more like a nudge in the opposite direction of where you’re trying to go?

I recalled something I was beginning to write back in 2018 in which I said something about just recovering from a headshot wound isn’t really the hard part; actually trying to carry a “normal” life afterwards is. 

That said, getting up, for me, is more of a one-time, linear act that requires a lot of effort, drive and desire to escape your actual situation, and, once you decide to get up, bam! you’re up! 

I also think there are different occasions in life in which you just choose to get up, depending on the situation you’re in (or, situations, in this case), so you have to get back up from each of the ones where you’ve felt that they've just slipped and you somehow lost grip on them.

Whereas, when you keep going I think that it’s more of a constant state of mind and life that continuously progresses independently of how many times you get up. Because, well, time doesn’t stop and your life will not magically stop all of a sudden, so you must keep going. It’s either go or stop; the latter being the end because there’s not much you can do after you stop moving forward except wilting and perishing.

When you’re up, you’re now open to a new perspective of options within your reach or capacity.

Maybe not exactly your capacity but I would like to point out that getting up  is very hard. Oh, yes, it is!

Do  you know what’s even harder, though? Have you ever been in a situation that requires you to keep going? Do you know how hard it is to  keep going? I did not exactly understand the concept of “pushing on”, “pressing on” or any other synonyms that resonate with the act of moving forward 

Now, this is all of my personal opinion, and to me, pressing on is quantifiably harder than the act of getting up. You see, when you choose to keep going, things get interesting. 

• “Ben, surely you jest! My problems are definitely not interesting!” 

This term, “Interesting”, in my opinion, might be delving into a plethora of new roads that are now available for you to choose from, and when you do pick a new road, you’re literally choosing to achieve and experience more things in exchange of whatever amount of “life” you have left in you, this is ultimately important and it has been sincerely my hardest choice, you know? Keep going despite everything that I lost?

I chose to continue going because I thought to myself; “Ben, what would happen if, this time, you just keep moving instead of staying in a stationary state of mind?”
This plucked my existence, curiosity and anxiety strings all at once, because, what would happen if I keep going? What consequences would I have to face if I dared going forward? This only intrigued me more!
And then, that sly little voice that always tends to speak to you when you’re about to do something great… “What if more and more hurtful situations come along?” it spoke. “Lol, your world of pain will never end if you keep on going.” It belched one more time

I was not surprised that the voice had returned again, after so long. It was me, my own, my most inner conscious self that was responding accordingly to a threat. My interior was protecting me from a possible bad outcome.

I froze and became numb for a minute or two, but I quickly realised that  I don’t care as much now because, up to this point, I have lived some of the most painful experiences that I could have ever imagined I would live at my “short” age. And, no, I’m not talking about the physical aspect of pain, but the literal, most horrifying nightmares I had all the time growing up,  coming to life right before my eyes, and they sometimes just seem to be non-stop… 

I honestly don't recall having bought a no-return ticket to nightmare land.

To put things in perspective, I did not expect or wanted for these experiences to happen, yet they still did. 

I’m assuming that these things were bound to happen to get me to where I am now, and even though I don’t enjoy them nor have  they been pleasant experiences, I think I’ve learned some of the greatest lessons whilst surviving this horrible stage in my life, mental illness and all, and despite it all, there’s still the empty space in my mind and heart, screaming “what if?”

After what happened in September 2017 though, I can safely rule out one of the “What ifs” that came to mind when I had just barely started my recovery process, and, you know what?

It feels great actually that I ruled that “what if” in particular off and let it reach its end, since it was already a dead end, way before it ever started; and I just didn’t want to accept it, because it was inherently what I wanted and I felt like that was the one way to go about that.

I was taught a huge lesson that day, and it was: Nothing is ever guaranteed or forever “yours”.

As blunt as it sounds, it’s a harsh truth that I have come to learn after all, albeit a bit late, but definitely within schedule; I believe this is the precise moment when we choose to keep going, and these are some , but not of all the things that I’ve had to accept in order to at least feel like I’ve been progressing a little:

• The past cannot be changed or altered in any way
• Things happened, things got out of your grasp and control, voluntarily or not. 
• There’s no “Load Game” option in real life, you have to make way with what you have and carry on, 
• Maybe things  will get better, maybe things  won't get better immediately, 
• Things do get better and/or more tolerable as time goes on.
• Caring for pets, people help a lot!
• Volunteering and sharing your experiences help throughout the healing process

I can confidently say this because it’s become a lot more bearable for me, and I don’t get as spooked, freaked out, anxious, nervous or suicidal. Something changed for sure, and I can confidently close this article by saying that the specific thing that happened was me CHOOSING to keep going.