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| (Tiny plant making its way through concrete. (c)Benjamin Leon 2020) |
Hi readers, it's me, again. I just asking you to please, do not give up. Ever. I mean, we’ve gone through rough stuff, we’ve taken lots of hits, we’ve fallen hundreds of times, we’ve gotten up, we’ve been trying to heal ourselves and we’ve tried our best to compliment the healing process with therapy, medication or the combination of all possible roads that lead to the corner of Hope St. and Healing Ave, and somehow, we have managed to keep taking steps forward without really going back except for those few and in-between setbacks, mishaps and emotional hijacking we get when traumatic memories just come into our minds all of a sudden.
Once the thoughts start invading our mind, we start considering taking drastic action against ourselves. If those actions are not against ourselves, the actions most likely include getting anyone’s(or a specific someone’s) attention so that our thoughts and feelings can be validated, and, as you may have guessed, this is not good as we do not only begin to hesitate and question what we have been doing since the beginning, but we also consider quitting, or at least taking a break from recovery and “falling back” a little, leaving our self-care and needs open to harm.
Dear reader, let me stop you right there, and before you take that step, I’ll tell you something that happened to me about 3 days ago, as I considered going to go back to my hiding place behind the physical pain as a product of self harming. I can only describe what I felt as: anger,rage and disappointment. I felt that all the routines, actions, thoughts, mindsets, words that I’ve been embracing to try and get better had been thrown away and that they had been a complete waste of time, that I would never even get close to feeling a hint of better and before I knew it, the clock had one hand up and another hand down; it was 6 a.m. already. It was time once again to go on with “just” another day in my life. I managed to get myself together for the moment and I got out of bed, walked into the bathroom, took a shower, dried up and then just stood there; frozen in time, motionless, still. Looking at my stupid reflection in the mirror. Looking at this old, fat, bearded man staring back at me without a hint or sign of when things would start to at least look a little better in his futurel so I picked up my razor and stared at my reflection in the mirror as I thought about “going through with it” for a couple of seconds that felt like hours. I raised my razor and my entire thought process went on overdrive; and in that train of thought, I began to dialogue with myself on the matter of why I was going to do it.
Now, you see; the thing about staying on the move and not stopping is that you are allowed to feel down, to cry, to look back, even to look at some of the stuff that defined your past. You are allowed to feel all the emotions, all over again. But, why was I going to take action against me? That would have not changed a thing, that was not going to change the past; it wound’t change a single thing, and the world would not stop for a dumb 35-year-old that wanted to harm himself. Should I have gone through with it, it would have definitely shaped my future, though. Being slammed in a few crisis centers on the way, which would have not been something beneficial in the long run, because, you know, “records”.
I spoke to myself and went along the lines of “Ben, you’ve fought for the light, in favor of helping people even before you were struck down Dec. 2016. You’re that person. You cannot stop now, not because someone made you feel bad; even if it was someone who is supposed to be part of your support system.”
I followed up with: “Ben, consider the following:
- It was not your fault
- People don’t understand your trauma the way you do
- Sometimes, people don’t care to go deeper into what you are feeling, or quite frankly, some people just don’t care at all
- Life will never be the same for you
- Face it, some people are mean, but there are also people that are kind, helpful and selfless.”
My mind began feeling at ease but it started drifting off a bit once again...
“Ben!” I shouted at myself, “Please don’t give up!. You have to keep the promises you’ve made!”.
Something clicked inside my mind and I remember having promised my family and friends that I would never lay a finger on myself again with the intent of self harming. And I had been keeping this promise circa August 2018. I wanted to break my promise so bad. Thankfully I did not and proceeded to put the razor down. I went to my room, practiced some grounding exercises, calmed down, logged into my computer and actively gave a couple of support sessions in the support server as I usually did, as it helped me calm down a lot more in the past, so it was only logical that going there was going to help me after what had happened during that small but very relevant fight between my traumatic response to pain and my goal of not giving up and being a beacon of hope. And it did help, it always did.
Now, please read slowly: I did not stop hurting or have stopped hurting from those words and actions taken against me, but I feel a bit more at ease with what was said and done, and even though it was an unfair treatment, I’m sure I’m doing my part in trying to get better, even though I sometimes seem to just struggle with no progress while I go through this hell I've been put through. And, while it has not been easy, it surely has given me some wonderful memories, new friends, new acquaintances, and a heart that is clearly set on the path to healing.
“How do you know that it’s being healed, though?”
That’s a great question and also a fairly simple one to explain: I hold no hard feelings or hatred for the people that have hurt me in the past. I decided to not hate, I decided to let go, I decided to wish them the best and move on. I accepted the fact that it was their choice to hurt me, consciously or unconsciously. Perhaps it was not what I would have wanted, but in the end, those actions ended up helping me out, or at least to “nudge” me back on the path that I ‘m currently in. And, like I said before, it has not been an easy ride, in fact, it’s been too bumpy, a bit too rocky, a little too harsh.
When I delve in this thought, I am convinced that it all revolves around setting boundaries for what you believe to be beneficial or non-beneficial to your mental, emotional and even physical well-being. In the end, I think that what I want to say is that we have to begin acting a bit “selfishly” if you want to put it that way. Although I think it is the most selfless act you can do. Taking care of yourself and trying to improve your emotional and mental stability has to be your number one priority while this whole “thing” clears up. This dark, foggy haze we’ve gotten ourselves into, be it voluntarily or not. I think that it’ll all be easier to digest soon, but as it stands right now; “it is what is” and you must pursue first and foremost taking care of yourself. This means that you are allowed to be selfish, for your sake, for your health, for your sanity.
Just to clarify, though, by saying that we have to be selfish, I’m not talking about the term for being uncaring, unloving, or lacking in giving attention to others.
I’m just talking about just being a bit more boundary-aware in regards to your well being. I’m 2 going on the premise of “you can’t pour from an empty cup”.
Dear reader, I know this article was a bit on the short side. You know, for it being a whole year “of free time” that I’ve had to write something, anything!
Consider it once again, dear reader; trust me when I tell you, it took me yet another year of healing to get to this point where I see that I am not going to give up, I want to see what’s in store for me, but also I am trying my best to love myself, prioritizing my emotional, physical and mental wellbeing; not allowing myself to get discouraged by the things that have happened to me, or letting other people’s actions get to me. I will not allow it to continue making me want to give up, and neither must you.
Carry on, you’re doing amazing and it will only get better from here.
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