TheScarZone

Raindrops last night on the glass door (c) Benjamin Leon 2019

Disclaimer: I am not a licensed doctor, nurse practitioner, physician or have any sort of academic knowledge on medicine, medical procedures or disease/symptom evolution. What I’m about to write is what I think  about how this works.

I was once just a boy who loved to run around and explore outside the confinement of the cement walls that were my house. But sometimes I would wander off and go on a trip to visit what my mind imagined as a vast land in a post-apocalyptic setting which was known to everyone else as granny’s backyard, which, was and still is a huge piece of land with lots of vegetation and some trees to climb, there were also lots of rocks and plants that were overflowing with all sorts of critters waiting for Ultra super duper biologist explorer & dinosaur specialist (me) to observe them. Now, I knew some of the critters bit or stung, because I was told they did, by my family, and Martha, my caretaker, would often slap my hands to make me forcefully release any critters acquired, I did not kill them or squish them, though, oh no; they were my precious specimens and I loved them, and promptly released them to a safe place.

I had lots of attempts to have a closer ocular and tactile observation of the lizards or insects I encountered, which of course, lead to learning that some of them have pincers, stingers, a-hundred legs, some smell weird, some lizards have a pretty strong but totally harmless bite, and I had learned to respect them and give them their space. I also learned that some lizards were just too fast for 9 year old me.

Sitting here and looking back circa 1994, there was only so much to do. Video games were barely entering the market, so they weren’t really an option for distraction back then, but, my worries were just which toys to play with or which GI Joe would ride a specific car, do “guard duty” protecting a cicada shell or volunteering as a paratrooper. Oh wow, action figurine parachutes was something I really enjoyed crafting, and they were extremely simple to make, but above all they worked; I also made grappling hooks out of paper clips and string. I also put some thought into crafting the dirt streets and dried mud “buildings”. It was a mini metropolis that came to life where all these imaginary people lived but were somehow controlled by a 9 year-old deity with a pudgy physical form.

I loved to daydream, to a point where I could induce daydream whenever I wanted time to just fly by, and I would often think about what I would look like when I grew up. Now, all those adventures were really fun, but running around and playing mostly by myself all day in my grandma’s back yard or my own backyard did not come without paying a small price, and some consequences were falling and scraping my knees, legs, hands, arms, elbows but were the smallest of inconveniences for the amount of fun had, kind of like a sort of benefit vs cost thing. Yes, growing up, physical pain was something I got used to. But it was not entirely bad, it was just life; it meant growing up, it was the portal to becoming a strong kid, the lesser the tears, the greater the victory. Little did I know about how far much worse emotional pain would be and by the time the emotional pain started to pour in, I had already received my fair share of physical wounds. They healed and it took a good while, but they healed nonetheless.  What had I learned from this when we turn the physical wounds that leave scars on your skin into emotional wounds? They also form some sort of emotional scab and heal over time.

Yes, that is what I have experienced, and I would like to emphasize: Emotional wounds also heal.

Time to think a bit more about this; imagine yourself  walking out of a relationship in which you were screamed at, harassed, bullied, abused by words or attitudes. Perhaps the other person was what we call in the online gaming community, a “griefer” or someone who deliberately irritates and harasses other players within the game, using aspects of the game in intended or unintended ways. Real talk; no one deserves that kind of treatment, not evens being over-demanded stuff by your partner when you barely have time to balance the things going on in your life. “But Ben, that’s romantic and are absolutely adorable! I like it when they can express a bit of jealousy”. No, that is not cute, it is wrong and only leads to that same get-you-jealous-or-i'm-dumping-you-if-you-do-not-do-x-or-y technique to continually be used whenever you or the other person needs attention. You cannot demand people to go against their will, just because you or they feel like it. Please…. Pause. Take a deep breath and count with me while exhaling slowly, one, two… and, three!

Wasn’t that there wonderful? I think it was. Let’s proceed; loosen your shoulders, untighten your jaw… let your tongue stop touching the roof of your mouth and let it relax on your mouth’s bed, unclench your fist and relax your hands. Now, back on the main subject. Imagine getting yourself into a  totally new relationship where your partner starts to show the exact same behavioral pattern as the person you ended your relationship because of that reason?

You'll be confined to that vicious circle like before, you’ll start feeling anguish and probably even hate against yourself for allowing your heart to drift towards what you vowed to avoid. Please, I want you to know that it is not entirely your fault, however, the truth is that it was, in part, your fault, because you chose not to let your heart, soul and mind heal completely nor did you settle and sort out the things in your life in order to start something new with someone who you thought would be, according to you: “different”.

Please excuse me for the long introduction, it was totally necessary to gain clearance and enter the Scar Zone. The scar zone is a place. Fine, being honest, I don't even know how I came up with this title, but I can confidently say that we all enter the scar zone at some point in our lives. The scar zone is a place where we heal after emotional wounds. For example, were you scolded by your parents because your sibling ate the cookies in the pantry but they blamed you? You felt injustice, and therefore you were wounded; it took some time to get over it, but it eventually formed a scab, the fell off, the wound has been healed, but you have the scar. Okay, scar acquired, now, what do we do when we get scars? You learn how to handle the scar, and by that I mean that you can either cry over how bad it looks on your skin and how painful it was or you can learn from it. I came to the conclusion that wounds can be originated from an almost infinite number of sources, from which I have identified the ones that caused  my scars. I will not categorize them as voluntary or involuntary because no one really seeks to hurt themselves, now, that’s the thing about wounds & scars, the ones that truly traumatise us are the scars we do not inflict upon ourselves and the sources include but are not limited to: family, friends, jobs, school, peers, significant others or authoritative figures. Now, for me, the ones that hurt the most and were the hardest to let go of and finally allow to heal were the wounds caused by family and significant others, to be fair and completely honest, Those wounds are still healing, and I’ve not completely recovered from them… YET.

Now, your thoughts might’ve stirred while reading the categories, focusing exactly or vaguely on times where you were hurt and now we find ourselves in the Scar Zone, the rule is “no wound, only scar”. The only way to have wounds here is, if we continuously and voluntarily go back  and repeat the same behaviors or choices that got you hurt in the first place. Voluntarily seeking to get hurt emotionally by ignoring the lessons you’ve learned along the way is not right and has to be stopped for it is as bad as physically hurting yourself.Now, just to clarify; Family, in my experience, are not actively seeking to hurt you, but they are not the exception  and may do it, but not necessarily on purpose, sometimes they just aren’t equipped with the right tools on how to address you or your issues, or having so much expectations when it comes to them and being constantly disappointed by things not going the way you want to when it comes to famiy.so that is why you should be as open as possible with them and trust them, go ahead, talk to them, sort things out, dialogue, seek family therapy, bring closure and healing to those open wounds so that they can once and for all heal completely.

Has it ever happened to you that once you get a scab formed , you sometimes pick on it? Don’t do it, let it fully heal your skin; just as, for example, if you’re emotionally hurt you do not have to pick on the scab, remembering how long has it taken to heal, or remembering how you got the wound in the first place. This sort of behavior is negative and will only yield more pain.

But, What can be done about it? ‘Seek help before it’s too late, talk about it with your doctor, counselor or therapist, seek a trustworthy, mature friend or family member, look for online support groups or forums. At this point, if you’re a religious person, you could share it with your church leader or pastor, as I’m pretty sure they can help guide you in the best way possible for this emotional self harming behavior to decrease or stop. You cannot continue going down memory lane, picking on your emotional scabs and exposing your hurtful wounds and having them bleed all over again, leading you to negative emotions like resentment and hate or even negative thoughts ;ole suicidal ideations.

If you’ve read up to this part, chances are you’ve been riding that negativity train for a while and no one’s told you to get off or you’ve just simply ignored the people who have told you to do so. Well,  it’s time to get off, it’s time to start caring more about yourself, it is time so start loving yourself. As I’ve always said when I started this whole odyssey against PTSD, anxiety, depression, dissociation and huge emotional wounds that are now turning into scars:you got this! Just exactly how do I know this? Well let’s take quick look at the facts list:

• You’ve made it this far.
• You clicked on this article, you are reaching out for hope.
• Your eyes are still sparkling with the expectation of what the future holds.
• You will see it.
• You will reach destination happiness one day

That last fact, actually requires you not giving up! you cannot give up, not this far ahead. Go ahead, clean up those wounds and let them heal, lift up your head and start over again if you have to. Now would you look at that? That’s the end of the tour for now. Thank you for visiting the Scar Zone, may your emotional wounds heal promptly! You can do this!

P.S.
“Smile and make them wonder why the HECK are you still standing and smiling!”