My Dyzplastic Android Figurine "staring out the window" (c) Benjamin Leon, 2018.
It's really hard to write about this very specific subject because it has always been a very important part of my life. I have experienced a lot of heartbreaks in the past, whether or not me being the responsible of getting to the point of ending the relationship with my dates.
Please, please heed this little advice snippet: Love yourself first before attempting any sort of sentimental relationship with someone, be it new or the first.
Story time!
It all started in 2011, when I met a young woman that I fell in love with and dated for 5 years. It was a good relationship at times, It got tough at times, but we fought through the hardships just like any other couple would. Now, even if I did have uncomfortable times, this was a different kind of relationship as we were both involved in our local church, she was on her way studying a business major, I had landed a great job and a couple of extremely good promotions. But it was not only that, bit was also the first relationship I had been in where my family and everyone I knew was fully informed that I was officially dating someone(because, you know some people go on relationships behind the scenes all the time). Fast forward 4 years and we started talking about wedding plans and a life together. So, in all certainty; we set the marriage date for May 2017.
It all started in 2011, when I met a young woman that I fell in love with and dated for 5 years. It was a good relationship at times, It got tough at times, but we fought through the hardships just like any other couple would. Now, even if I did have uncomfortable times, this was a different kind of relationship as we were both involved in our local church, she was on her way studying a business major, I had landed a great job and a couple of extremely good promotions. But it was not only that, bit was also the first relationship I had been in where my family and everyone I knew was fully informed that I was officially dating someone(because, you know some people go on relationships behind the scenes all the time). Fast forward 4 years and we started talking about wedding plans and a life together. So, in all certainty; we set the marriage date for May 2017.
After I got shot on December, 2016 and underwent surgery to remove the bullet and skull debris in my head and then went back to surgery, this time a craniectomy procedure to decompress the brain and allow it to return to a normal state because it was so swollen that it posed a risk. After that, I was forced to postpone the wedding because a full recovery would not be done by the time May '17 arrived. Needless to say, I was shattered, my world was burning down because I had no control over what was happening. I was literally not capable of formulating congruent thoughts because of the stunned, numb feeling that dragged ever since I woke up in the hospital room.
I did, however, manage to get up and start the recovery process, and I did so by walking around my house and trying to do normal things in order to get better. So ahead I went, with some severed cranial nerves and a pierced temporal lobe, I was determined to get married.
After a week or so, we were on a plane to Atlanta I was obviously not leaving her behind, what kind of person would I be if I had? We then arrived in the Hartsfield-Jackson Airport, Atlanta, then got on a shuttle to Chattanooga, where we spent our honeymoon and had a great time exploring the city for a few days. After that, we were taken to Cleveland, a small and incredibly peaceful city in TN where we lived for a month in which I constantly saw her sad and crying to herself talking to her friends and family telling them how sorry she was. I knew that was the feeling of regret but I did not force myself to say anything, but I did tell her that "It's going to be fine, I will get better with time", something to which her eyes sparkled briefly but were then struck down with heavy doubt. I saw the person who I was there for, good and bad moments for those long 5 years. 5 years of devotion to her and now I was seeing her fading away from my life, detaching herself from me an action and a word at a time.
You see, the average break-ups are because some people are unfaithful or do sneaky things behind each others' backs or are in an extremely abusive relationship, but this was not the case this time. I had to go through all of that, not even knowing why until the big day arrived where she packed her stuff and left. To my limited knowledge and according to what I unwantedly overheard a few times, she had already planned everything, she had bought a plane ticket with my account some time ago to fly over to where a friend of hers lived. She left the house on a mid-September night, and as it happened, I got flooded by all these memories that are of course, left to linger with no way to send them to the trash bin after a 5 year long relationship. You know, the beach, the dates, the theme park rides, the movies, the food, the jokes and also the laughs. This was all good, but then I got struck by the fist of reality, as I recall that there were also very stressful memories, and I could literally feel the same emotional pain I felt the days it happened, many years ago.
We did get married, though. My family had taken the decision to move me to the US because the people that shot me clearly did not achieve what they wanted and now my life was in danger if I chose to stay. Fast forward a few months and some mental breakdowns, panic attacks, and family councils later; with not all of them agreeing , we finally got married.
Yes we did, we did so on a nice evening, the 2nd of August; back in 2017. We gathered with really close friends and family; we did not marry anywhere fancy like we had planned. We married in my house as we were all too scared to people thinking I was up and about after the evildoers did not fulfill their mission of wiping me out of Earth.
Yes we did, we did so on a nice evening, the 2nd of August; back in 2017. We gathered with really close friends and family; we did not marry anywhere fancy like we had planned. We married in my house as we were all too scared to people thinking I was up and about after the evildoers did not fulfill their mission of wiping me out of Earth.
After a week or so, we were on a plane to Atlanta I was obviously not leaving her behind, what kind of person would I be if I had? We then arrived in the Hartsfield-Jackson Airport, Atlanta, then got on a shuttle to Chattanooga, where we spent our honeymoon and had a great time exploring the city for a few days. After that, we were taken to Cleveland, a small and incredibly peaceful city in TN where we lived for a month in which I constantly saw her sad and crying to herself talking to her friends and family telling them how sorry she was. I knew that was the feeling of regret but I did not force myself to say anything, but I did tell her that "It's going to be fine, I will get better with time", something to which her eyes sparkled briefly but were then struck down with heavy doubt. I saw the person who I was there for, good and bad moments for those long 5 years. 5 years of devotion to her and now I was seeing her fading away from my life, detaching herself from me an action and a word at a time.
You see, the average break-ups are because some people are unfaithful or do sneaky things behind each others' backs or are in an extremely abusive relationship, but this was not the case this time. I had to go through all of that, not even knowing why until the big day arrived where she packed her stuff and left. To my limited knowledge and according to what I unwantedly overheard a few times, she had already planned everything, she had bought a plane ticket with my account some time ago to fly over to where a friend of hers lived. She left the house on a mid-September night, and as it happened, I got flooded by all these memories that are of course, left to linger with no way to send them to the trash bin after a 5 year long relationship. You know, the beach, the dates, the theme park rides, the movies, the food, the jokes and also the laughs. This was all good, but then I got struck by the fist of reality, as I recall that there were also very stressful memories, and I could literally feel the same emotional pain I felt the days it happened, many years ago.
- Did it hurt? Heck yes, it all happened BEFORE MY VERY EYES!
- Did you cry? of course I did! As expected, I bawled my eyes out for a month at the very least.
- Did you cry? of course I did! As expected, I bawled my eyes out for a month at the very least.
- Does it still hurt? No, it does not, and I can now, almost a year later in without her, confidently say that it does not hurt but the ghosts of days gone by haunt me from time to time; and, as a matter of fact, it actually feels good to be detached from from her.
I had learned that there are people that still love and care for me way more than she could ever had. If our marriage would've continued, it would be totally headed for ruin and desolation, it was a train wreck before it even started.
I had learned that there are people that still love and care for me way more than she could ever had. If our marriage would've continued, it would be totally headed for ruin and desolation, it was a train wreck before it even started.
"That means you were not in love, Ben!"
Oh, you wouldn't know the half of it, I was madly, head-over-heels in love with that woman.
She could cook incredibly well and she was spontaneous. She had everything I lacked beyond the obvious physical aspects. Marrying her was most logical thing to do; after all, we were in love and, because of that, I proposed. Now, t was no "best of youtube" material sort of proposal but that really does not matter when the setting, emotion and timing are perfect, and they were; oh yes, the timing, setting and emotion were truly perfect when it happened.
Oh, you wouldn't know the half of it, I was madly, head-over-heels in love with that woman.
She could cook incredibly well and she was spontaneous. She had everything I lacked beyond the obvious physical aspects. Marrying her was most logical thing to do; after all, we were in love and, because of that, I proposed. Now, t was no "best of youtube" material sort of proposal but that really does not matter when the setting, emotion and timing are perfect, and they were; oh yes, the timing, setting and emotion were truly perfect when it happened.
You see, we all get stuck living in a fantasy and make-believe world where princesses and princes are out and about doing righteous deeds while they get heroic background music played for them in whatever activity they do.
Newsflash, there is no such thing; as love is not a fairy tale nor does it spark because of magic. Love takes time and it is worked for; I made sure that I worked for it, and I made sure that every day was different, to overwrite her bad memories and traumas with new and loving experiences, I was invested into everything being done "just right" so we could get married and live a fulfilling life together.
But then, and as I loosened my shoulders, took a deep breath and drank a bit of hot chocolate in my favorite Starbucks in Brandon/Valrico, the memories were getting carried away, fading from me. What was not getting carried away though, was the experience, as this had carved a bloody and heavy lesson on my mind and heart. So I made a choice: I would stop crying, I would stop worrying if she was OK or not, I would, for once, at my 33 years of age; finally care for myself. Why? Because I matter, because YOU matter. Your mental health, your emotional well-being matters and it is extremely important you get those two things taken care of right now. If you have not done that already, I strongly suggest you do.
I picked up the hobbies I had left aside because they took away time from "her", and I'm fully enjoying these hobbies. They include nerdy activities like geeking out on my computer learning new stuff and also doing amateur photography. I always loved taking pictures of sunsets, landscapes, twigs and insects. So now I get to do it without any interruptions.
So you see, getting dumped by the "Love of your life" is not that bad after all. It will only reassure you that there is still, indeed, someone who will truly love you, cherish you, and care for you and your mental and emotional well being. That being said, I was probably one of the most emotionally dependant people in the habitable surface of planet Earth. I can confidently say I was because I've been without emotional "Significant Other" support for 10 months(at the time of writing this), 10 months after D-Day and I'm still standing, still alive.
No, one does absolutely not die if your "S.O." leaves you; also, all those corny romantic quotes that you often hear or read are a common practice among couples that love each other(which is how it ought to be), phrases like "Oh,what in tarnation would I do without you?".
You know what you would do? Everything that you could not do because of your S.O., Indirectly or directly because of them as in a healthy relationship you both grow in discovering talents without trumping the other's progress or blaming quarrells on each other's activities.
You would have more time for yourself and rediscover your talents and strengths, and know how strong you are.
You would learn to love yourself. Loving yourself after you've loved one or many before. Once you learn to love yourself, you can truly love somebody else.
You know what you would do? Everything that you could not do because of your S.O., Indirectly or directly because of them as in a healthy relationship you both grow in discovering talents without trumping the other's progress or blaming quarrells on each other's activities.
You would have more time for yourself and rediscover your talents and strengths, and know how strong you are.
You would learn to love yourself. Loving yourself after you've loved one or many before. Once you learn to love yourself, you can truly love somebody else.
As I type these verses, I am looking at an absolutely beautiful scene, a rainy Florida day, puddles forming, water droplets softly hitting the glass I'm behind of while having a sip of hot white chocolate. I tell you, If you've never gone on a date with yourself, you definitely should. You're missing out on one of the most amazing people in the universe. and somehow growing up; I lost that thing I had with myself, I stopped caring for me, I started placing everything and everyone before me and before I knew it, I was left alone, in the dark by myself. This whole ordeal has been an eye-opener, and after dating myself for 10 months (today is July 24th, 2018), I can say that I'm not a bad of a person at all, I enjoy taking pictures and writing articles to help people; I like recording videos to help motivate those going through tough times. I enjoy being a nerd on my computer and on my phone, I've also been volunteering and giving emotional and mental health support online.
It was not my fault, after all, the 9mm expansive bullet or the emotional bullet.
It was not my fault, after all, the 9mm expansive bullet or the emotional bullet.
It is not your fault either, you are growing stronger, please look at yourself and see what a wonderful person you're becoming. Yes, it's taking more time than you had planned for, but you'll get there; We all get there eventually, so, go on, treat yourself to something today, you know your tastes to perfection, you can't really go wrong with anything you pick out or choose for yourself. Go on! get going! Close this and go out on a date with yourself. You are awesome, you are worth it, you are special.
Completely redacted, huh???
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